I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think, what to feel. It must be one of the few times in my life when I've been completely and totally insecure, unsure about everything. Wrong - I'm sure I feel lonely, that I am. And I am sure my heart is wrapped up in a weird, aching mess.
Yeah, at least I know that.
I seriously do hope nobody reads this. (But if someone does, okay then.) I just... The issues troubling my made are something no one knows but me. I've tried telling those best, most special, friends but I can't. I'm not sure if it's because I'm afraid they'll judge me (or the ones involved in this) or if the ability to trust is just slipping out of my reach. I think it's both anyway.
It was only very recently that I realised how human I am. Yes, that's a very arrogant thing to say, I do know it, but it's just... I feel filthy. At least, now I do. I've always known what to think, my opinions are very strong and detailed, and I'm a forgiving person because humans are flawed - even though I torture some people just for the sake of it (just to press the point harder and, sometimes to test them - not nice either, I know), I always end up forgiving everyone. I might be capable of revenge, but resentment usually clashes with me, I guess. Anyway, this ability to forgive is not as good, as generous it might seem. It's, again, my arrogance speaking. I look at most Humans with a certain desdain, because a lot of us just think we're better, because we think and the whole deal - I do not feel like so. The ability to rationalise has also made many of us quite stupid and senseless. I don't know. I don't usually regret my mistakes, I might recognise them, but I'm stubborn and proud and I stand up for my beliefs. As of lately, I believed myself to be quite a balanced person, knowing where the line is, even though liking to slightly cross it at times; with straight thoughts, clear opinions.
But I got pretty much disappointed in myself.
You see, there's this guy. Oh, yes, guys. How about that, huh? Well, ever since I knew him - which was, like, the begining of this year - we've had quite a close relationship. Close, and physical, and flirty. And it started becoming more and more, and closer and closer. Nothing happened. But we knew, both of us knew, that there was something, that there high probabilities something would happen in due course. Well, but then he got a girlfriend. A girl who had been his friend for quite a while, much more than me. I got sad, but continued on and on, talking to him. He didn't stand back, he didn't get away. And we continued, yeah. Well, school ended and we texted each other. A lot, I can't even begin to describe how huge the bills were (and are going to be). He was lovely, and he kept on being flirty, as was I, because even though I've hardly dated anyone that's a bit of my nature - not skank/slut/ho' flirting, just... flirty, if it makes since. And yet again the relationship deepened. I know he really likes this girl. But he can't deny some odd, awkward feelings for me. Like the ones I had/have. Well, as things got pretty much more awkward, it was like he was betraying her with me. I was the lover - he said so himself. No one had to know. We never really kissed or anything, but only because we couldn't see each other. If we had been together... Yeah.
He's wonderful, don't get him wrong. And he's older, he's 19 so I expect he's got a better mind than mine.
Anyway, there's another guy. I made out with him in... February. He's just... amazing, though I'm not sure if that's good or bad. He's like a magnet to me, I'm fascinated by him. He doesn't like compromising himself, he's free - much more than me. So we made out, and he... hardly talked to me anymore - especially since he doesn't live round here. Yet, the other day he did. We started talking, and the question of making out again came. I don't know, I never did, that's what I told him. I never, ever give him very concrete answers. I have lots of fun with him, really. He might be a bastard, he is, but he's a cool person. I really like him, not just because I'm attracted to him, but as a friend. He's... he's fun, that's it. So, I kind of have the possibility of something happening when we meet again, but I think I am plainly aware that it's not something to last. I already have a bond with him, but I'm aware that I can't get too involved. I'm quite sure I can do that.
Yet, I started forgetting the other guy. I was almost convinced I liked him to a level I'd never liked anyone - I betrayed some of my beliefs, I disapointed myself for him. And for the first time, I wanted to fight, not to forget him, I wanted to wait for him, if you know what I mean. But then, I'm just forgetting him. That's good, on one part, but... I have no idea what I'm feeling now. I feel filthy, dirty, like some slut, like someone feeling-less, some attention-seeker. I already knew I was the latter, but never quite this much.
And I'm waiting for a text from that second guy. Oh yeah. I hate it when he doesn't answer straight back, he's like... he talks but then he stops for a while then he talks again and no one ever knows what's going on.
Oh, did I mention there might be a third person involved? Maybe he really is the love of my life. He's a friend, a great friend, ever since I was very young I've known him. We're quite close. During this year, there was some point in which I started to feel something. Yet, he got a girlfriend (funny, huh?) and I got over him. I cried a bit, got sad, but got over it. Yet... I don't know, I dreamed about him. And it was weird. I know it had to do with my lovelife and it had him, to whom I haven't talked in a month or so. And even more awkward was that he came online after that night, which he rarely does, and he talked to me. I felt anxious - I used to have anxiety crises and have some at times - and I didn't know what to say. I wanted to come out and tell him everything that I've been through, but I just chose to act the most weird way and tell him I couldn't, just couldn't, talk to him, although i had no idea why. Which is true, I was feeling terrible, I was nervous, anxious. And I don't know, I panicked. It's a pity I can't see him more often, I really wanted to talk to him, to just see him, and maybe confess my sins to him, who knows?
My life's just so messy right now.
Specially considering I have barely seen any friend of mine ever since school finished and that sucks. I hate being alone, and feeling useless, and feeling lonely, and feeling like no one remembers me. It sucks. I feel so, so empty. So... bad.
I don't know anything any more.
- Music:"Rusted Wheel", Silversun Pickups